Testimony meeting - "Momma if I go up will you go up too?'

Today was testimony meeting in Sacrament and I was attending with just my sweet Emma.  She is 16 and a JOY.  She has special needs and she brings so much happiness to all that know her.  We were listening to testimonies and one of the missionaries serving in our area shared about a difficult time on his mission and he was praying and just asking why he had to go through this and if it would ever get better.  And the thought that came was, tomorrow is Sunday and you can partake of the Sacrament and all will be okay.  I had tears running down my cheeks and could feel the strength of his testimony of how coming to church and partaking of that gift each week can "make our days better."  

So then my sweet girl, leans over and says, "Momma if I go up will you go up too?"  I nodded yes and she went right up.  I am always in awe at the children around us that get up so quickly and are so eager to share their testimonies.  I am grateful that when my daughter asked me, that I knew I could go up and bear testimony of what I knew.  

But, it hasn't always been that way.   Fifteen years ago, if my child had said the same thing to me, I don't know that I could have gone up.  I was in survival mode.  What made me think of this was a dear sister in our ward got up and bore her testimony about having faith and the desire to know.  And it got me thinking.  Fifteen years ago my world had turned upside down, but no one knew that.  As I said, I was in survival mode.  I went to church because I knew it would give me strength, but I had nothing to share.  I couldn't make comments, I had nothing to share in regards to my testimony.  I was looking strong on the outside, but was crumbling inside.  In fact, I often left church in tears.  The temple was an immense strength to me.  If I went each week, I could make it to Sunday and then I could make it to when I went to the temple and this cycle continued. 

 But, I kept going and eventually, the fears and tears faded, I discovered anew my testimony and I am where I am today.  BUT I did not get to where I am, because it was easy.  I have the testimony today, because I decided to stay true to my covenants, to keep going to church to partake of the sacrament, to go even when I had nothing to give, to go when I didn't know how everything would turn out.  There is such strength when we "stay in the boat" as President Ballard has talked about.  When we stay on the path.  

I have an invisible shelf that I often place questions I don't have answers to or things that come up and I am not quite ready to explore, and I just let my Father in Heaven know that they are there.  And some of them are still there, and others have been answered.  But, I come to church to renew my covenant and promise to my Savior and in turn He promises that I will have His spirit to be with me.  And that is my greatest desire, to have His Spirit with me.   And the love I have felt from Him NO MATTER WHERE I AM in this life, is beautiful and humbling.  

It easier now to look back and see how HE had me all along and during those hard times, HE was often carrying me.  I am just glad that I haven't given up on HIM, because I KNOW HE will NEVER give up on me.  

Peace that passeth all understanding - Phil. 4:7

And the peace of God, which passeth all understanding, 

shall keep your hearts and minds through Jesus Christ.  

This scripture has been on my mind today as I have thought about the last few months.  Especially the last week. 

I have been blessed to be a stay at home mom for 25 years and be with my children, and I have loved every moment of it.  I love being home, I love the opportunities it brings me to not only serve my family, but also those in my "little world."  

This summer as we were coming back from vacation, my friend texted me to tell me they had posted an opening for a part time custodian at Jordan River Temple.  I had volunteered many times to "clean" the temple and found great satisfaction in it.  

Up to this point, my children had been on two different tracks at their elementary, and this year, our elementary was going to traditional.  And then, I needed to get an tooth implant....so, the seed began that maybe I could work, just part time and help pay for that.   So, on our way back from Lake Tahoe, I created a resume and applied for the temple job.  

A few weeks passed and I hadn't heard anything, and I was at my sons elementary school and I have the thought, "ask if they are hiring."  So, I do and I am told they are hiring a lunch clerk.  My last job was a bank teller, so I was used to handling money and bonus I could see my son each day.  So, I went home and prayed about it and talked to my husband and applied for the job. A few weeks go by and I don't hear anything.  So then another friend tells me that the Police department is hiring crossing guards, so I try that and within 1/2 hour they call me and I go in and get hired.  I was just a sub, and it worked out well.  

Then my husband suggests that I call and ask the school if they have hired a lunch clerk.  So I do and tell them my name and I get a call the next day.  And a job offer soon after that.  So now I have two part time jobs.   Fast forward another few weeks and I am at the ball field and I get a call from the temple to be a custodian.  And this is the job that I really wanted!  And so I go in and get hired as an on call worker.  

I know many of my friends and some family think, what are you doing? And I know that comes because of their love for me.   But all I can say is I feel really blessed.  I have three jobs that work around having a family.  I can still be at the cross roads and I have a wonderful husband that works from home and steps in and helps as much as he can.  Which he is an amazing cook and we love when he makes dinner.  

Now I have always been one to encourage mothers to be at home...so for me to receive these answers it was a surprise to me.  

Last night, I was at a fireside and Wendy Ulrich was the speaker.  She was sharing about her decisions to decide on a major and basically received the answer, "I don't care which route you choose, I can work with either.  I am not concerned about your career, I am concerned about your character."  

I share this, because as I decided to take on these jobs, each time I prayed about them and if it would be okay to do with my family, the answer I received each time was, "Your family will be fine, you will just lose your free time."  And that was okay with me, because I was doing this for them.  

What's interesting is some goals that I had thought about,  were coming to pass as took on this new adventure.  AND the Lord was showing me how I could be His Hands in each of these jobs.  

That is just amazing to me.  Amazing that no matter what we choose to do with our time, He will use it to develop our character into what it needs to be and a bonus is He will also help us reach our goals in the meantime too.  

Now, I am not going to lie and say it has been all easy.  Because it hasn't, there are times I doubt myself and my work load and the balance of everything.  Because now I have regular schedules in each of the three jobs.  But, when my center is Jesus Christ, and I invite Him to be with me, He helps me carry this load.  And uses those closest to me to aid in that.  ( My family, my amazing children and my rock, my husband).  

And he blesses me with wonderful new friendships, opportunities to brighten 600+ childrens' day.  And at the temple I have had some very sacred and amazing experiences.  I am exhausted some days, but ya know what, thats okay.  I wouldn't trade what I have experienced for more sleep or more alone time.  And I even get to use my "creative" talent in the lunchroom on bulletin boards etc.  

No matter where we are in our life, no matter the jobs we have, the Lord will create opportunities for our character to develop and also use us to be an answer to another persons prayer.  It's pretty AMAZING!  And I am grateful for the ability to experience this PEACE that passeth all understanding.