Testimony meeting - "Momma if I go up will you go up too?'

Today was testimony meeting in Sacrament and I was attending with just my sweet Emma.  She is 16 and a JOY.  She has special needs and she brings so much happiness to all that know her.  We were listening to testimonies and one of the missionaries serving in our area shared about a difficult time on his mission and he was praying and just asking why he had to go through this and if it would ever get better.  And the thought that came was, tomorrow is Sunday and you can partake of the Sacrament and all will be okay.  I had tears running down my cheeks and could feel the strength of his testimony of how coming to church and partaking of that gift each week can "make our days better."  

So then my sweet girl, leans over and says, "Momma if I go up will you go up too?"  I nodded yes and she went right up.  I am always in awe at the children around us that get up so quickly and are so eager to share their testimonies.  I am grateful that when my daughter asked me, that I knew I could go up and bear testimony of what I knew.  

But, it hasn't always been that way.   Fifteen years ago, if my child had said the same thing to me, I don't know that I could have gone up.  I was in survival mode.  What made me think of this was a dear sister in our ward got up and bore her testimony about having faith and the desire to know.  And it got me thinking.  Fifteen years ago my world had turned upside down, but no one knew that.  As I said, I was in survival mode.  I went to church because I knew it would give me strength, but I had nothing to share.  I couldn't make comments, I had nothing to share in regards to my testimony.  I was looking strong on the outside, but was crumbling inside.  In fact, I often left church in tears.  The temple was an immense strength to me.  If I went each week, I could make it to Sunday and then I could make it to when I went to the temple and this cycle continued. 

 But, I kept going and eventually, the fears and tears faded, I discovered anew my testimony and I am where I am today.  BUT I did not get to where I am, because it was easy.  I have the testimony today, because I decided to stay true to my covenants, to keep going to church to partake of the sacrament, to go even when I had nothing to give, to go when I didn't know how everything would turn out.  There is such strength when we "stay in the boat" as President Ballard has talked about.  When we stay on the path.  

I have an invisible shelf that I often place questions I don't have answers to or things that come up and I am not quite ready to explore, and I just let my Father in Heaven know that they are there.  And some of them are still there, and others have been answered.  But, I come to church to renew my covenant and promise to my Savior and in turn He promises that I will have His spirit to be with me.  And that is my greatest desire, to have His Spirit with me.   And the love I have felt from Him NO MATTER WHERE I AM in this life, is beautiful and humbling.  

It easier now to look back and see how HE had me all along and during those hard times, HE was often carrying me.  I am just glad that I haven't given up on HIM, because I KNOW HE will NEVER give up on me.